i'm having a mid-med school crisis. i don't know what i want to be when i grow up. i just charged $505 on my visa to pay for step 2 ck. (actually, did that yesterday.) what if i suck at that? alas. what if i can't figure out what makes me happy? because they say JUST DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. well, i say WE CAN ONLY DO 6 CORE ROTATIONS M3 YEAR SO HOW THE HELL DO I KNOW WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY. because i'm not at all competitive, i'm going to have to frontload my m4 schedule with rotations in my "desired" field to have a chance. and all the stuff i'm semi-interested in are a touch competitive. UGH.
i like surgery, but do i? are the surg residents bitter EVERYWHERE? do i want to devote that much time to learning a trade? but then there's always the allure of private practice. then there's ob/gyn...i'm so not a girly girl. omg. and i HATE managing chronic conditions. HATE IT. and if i'm going to be a surgeon, i want to be an awesome surgeon who does it all the time. EM? eh...drunk/crazy/whatever people piss me off. gas? then i'd be the surgeon's bitch who sits around and does nothing. i could go on, but i'll stop.
maybe i'm all moody because i'm at the VA. the VA makes me sad. it smells bad and there's a lot of folks who are being kept alive that shouldn't be alive. (sort of like on inpatient peds!) there was a funny moment when my patient went crazy (literally) and had to be transferred to the psych floor. i hope i'm not on his special list...alas. all i can say is, if i were to hear voices, i would come up with a cool name for my voice, and not something generic like "fred" or something. my voices would be named "eskimo pot pie" or "obama rocks your mama" or something..."quetzlquatl". not FRED. come ON.
so now to calm down i'm going to prepare to make mac and cheese. and read about the sigmoid colon. i DO like surgery, but i'm going crazy. and doubting what i like. and what if i suck? or can't get in somewhere? or maybe i'm destined to be something else and I'LL NEVER KNOW. then i'll be miserable forever? or should i just do path? haha, can't do path...would make K mad at me...! j/k.