Saturday, November 21, 2009

golden weekend

just chilling. it's kind of nice. reading for fun. sleeping in. tomorrow me and H are going to a food festival a few hours away. i plan on plumping up as much as i can. woo!

some of my friends have given me excellent advice for surgery. another friend gave me some sutures and needle drivers so i can practice. i got some books too. just overall kind of nervous.

it's weird, i'm not really missing peds. maybe i will once i get into surgery more, ha, but i don't feel like i'm missing out on the fun stuff like i did once ob/gyn was over. we toured the NICU on thursday, and that is a very sad and strange place. it's weird, when i was in high school i thought i would like to be a neonatologist, but after seeing all those tiny babies and hearing that "necrotizing enterocolitis is par the course", i'm like, PASS. is it really worth it? i know i'm not a mom, and maybe that will all change if i ever have kids, but i just don't know. alas...

i saw some ob/gyn residents the other day and they remembered me and asked when i was coming back. that made me really happy. i don't think the peds residents would have been the same way with me. it just seemed like on peds the students were more of a nuisance or something. at least to me. i dunno. blah!

i'm reading "delivering doctor amelia". so far, it's interesting.

OH, the "spirit catches you and you fall down" book club meeting was really cool. the attending who is our "leader" or sponsor or whatever, she went to medical school with some of the residents depicted in the novel. she was able to give us some excellent insight. that book really just stirred a bunch of emotions in me. i found myself at various times so upset and angry, and especially angry at the two pediatric attendings at the hospital that this took place. turns out they are "awesome" people, but i dunno. it made me really angry at the medical people, and especially doctors. i guess it just made me realize that i personally need to watch myself and my thoughts because i do not want to end up being a doctor that patronizes my patients and whatnot. and i can already tell that i have to catch myself from having really jaded thoughts towards certain types of people. alas. it just all makes me confused sometimes. people in the world say that being a doctor is like being on top of the world because doctors are "rich" and "powerful" and whatever, well, there's so much pressure because you can get sued at any moment or what if you make the wrong decision or what if the patient just hates you and sabotages themselves...what then. alas. too much thinking.

i'm excited about thanksgiving. it's my favoritest holiday of the year. i'm making pumpkin pie and carrot cake for my family's house. and some cranberry shortbread cookie bars if they turn out better. prototype 1.0 turned out ok, but not to my liking. too tart, needs to be more sweet. then it will be time for mucho gymming afterwards. hope my stomach doesn't pop.


MedZag said...

Three things about surg:
-You'll end up having more fun than you expect. The lore of the rotation is built up so much I think people find out that working those hours isn't really that hard.
-You'll bottom out on 'tired', then realize you can actually function somewhat successfully at that level
-Just remember, no matter how crappy of a morning/day/evening/call you are having, they can't stop the clock.

Outrider said...

Liked "Delivering Doctor Amelia". "What is feeling like a doctor worth to you?" = good question! Wait till you get to the end... I won't spoil the surprise.

>>there's so much pressure because you can get sued at any moment or what if you make the wrong decision or what if the patient just hates you and sabotages themselves...what then. alas. too much thinking.>>

Part of maturing as a physician, in my opinion, is reconciling the desire to be perfect with the realization that this is impossible. Mistakes will happen and patients will be harmed, and I don't care how talented, kind or well-intentioned the physician. The problem is that if one internalizes physician infallibility as the key to gaining a patients' confidence, one creates an unattainably high standard. If one then asks patients to buy in to this mindset, it's no wonder patients react with rage when, in the face of poor outcome, physicians retreat with "well, I am not responsible". Do you see the conflict here? At the end of "Spirit" the husband physician comments: "Sorrows of motherhood cut through all cultural barriers." - and (extrapolating) the barrier between "doctor" and "patient".

Since you're on surgery next, two pieces of advice:

1. We were told to call them needle holders and the surgeons tended to rip our heads off for saying "needle drivers". Check for preferred terminology.

2. If you haven't already read this one: "Complications" by Atul Gawande. I winced particularly at "Education of a Knife". That essay rang true on many levels. Also, "Walk on Water" by Michael Ruhlman.

frylime said...

medzag: thanks for the good advice! in addition to the "can't stop the clock", i personally like to remember "they can't hit me"...

outrider: thanks for your comments. i'll have to remember those book suggestions for over christmas break. and i've finished "doctor amelia", great book! i'll write about it soon.