i guess it's been a while since i've posted something "real"...you know...the deep probing type of post. so here goes...
it's almost the end of november...i'll be glad when this semester is over. tests are the 3rd week of december and then i get ~2.5 weeks off for the holidays. i don't know if i'll be traveling or staying home or studying or what, but i'll be glad to not have school looming around for a few days.
i don't know if i wrote that i had applied to a research grant program at my school to fund all my research fun, but i found out a few weeks ago that i didn't get the grant. it's ok that i didn't get it...basically the "goal" of receiving the grant was to go to a national conference and present your research and get a paper published. they also wanted you to attend all these seminars too and whatnot..."busy work". well, i've already done the national conference, poster presentation, and working to get a paper published. and yes, i did pay my own money, but it went to good use. so it's no sweat off my back that i didn't get the grant...i was bummed for about 5 seconds, but then i was relieved that i didn't have to do the extra busy work. between studying and running the peds club and research and living life, i was worried that i would explode if i had any more duties thrust upon me. so yeah, blessing in disguise.
since we don't have an attendance policy, the class size can be quite small. however, today i was in class and there were only EIGHT PEOPLE! my class has a size of 117!!! i felt so bad for the professor, i really did. he was an older man doing his job, albeit a bit boringly, but not the absolute worst lecturer! i was just embarassed that my class doesn't come anymore...but at the same time, i know a lot of people don't go anymore because they can study more efficiently and effectively on their own. and yes, i know not every professor can be great, but i just feel bad sometimes when they don't get students to come and listen. how will they know how to improve if there's nobody there to give them feedback?
since people don't come to class anymore, i hardly see certain people. that in itself is sad...because we're going to be strangers come 3rd year when we have to work with each other. it's just sad...it seems like there are secret factions in the library...people grouping together and studying furiously at all hours of the day. the way certain people act towards me has changed, and that makes me sad. i know i certainly haven't changed, and i know for a fact that i am not a "gunner" person. but maybe some people think i am secretly one? if they do, then they're stupid. i just want to graduate and be a doctor. i guess i'm thinking about this now because i just entered into a favorite coffee shop of mine and saw a group of people from school that i would consider "school friends". they pretty much just ignored me...i did say hello, but from their body language and whatnot, it was clear to me that my presence was not wanted. alas...i'm allowed into this public space! i like to study in coffee shops too! within 10 minutes of me arriving, they had all left. was it coincidence? i sure do hope so...because the alternative is that since i showed up, they had been "caught" and had to leave. i'm glad that when i usually come here i'm the lone medical student...the store owner/awesome barista knows i'm in school and whatnot, but i guess even she can sense that i'm not "the same" as the others. oh well.
i'm not lamenting the loss of friends...i've got plenty of really good and awesome friends that i can count on 2+ hands. what more could i want? i just think the competitiveness is stupid. i am not your competition. at least not now, hopefully never, and if you decided to play that "game", then you're the stupid one. you only play against yourself in the world of doctor-dom...not against your colleague. you should strive to better yourself and bolster up your friends, not look at them shiftily and keep secrets...is it not our common goal to help our patients? alas.
i can't wait for thurday! thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, and i've already practiced making my 2 pies for my family...pumpkin pie and chocolate "pudding" pie. i say pudding loosely because it's "harder" than a pudding, but not completely solid as a brick. and it's got tofu in it! i know, you wouldn't believe how good it tastes...hahaha.
ok, i'm going to start typing up my lecture from today. luckily, the one i was assigned only lasted 30 minutes instead of the normal 50. and don't think i'm depressed...i've just been wanting to say a bunch of stuff for a while now, and today provided a good time to do it