Thursday, August 02, 2007

ruminations

i just realized that i started this blog a year ago tomorrow, and that's the day i get to stop working. how ironical...

so much has happened in that year. wow.

so today i sit at working rewriting the inventory coordinator manual because that's what i do. i'm holding up the front office by myself, and it's a little annoying because i'll get into a groove and then have to answer the phone, and that totally throws me off. but it's ok, it's my job. and i'm kinda getting a little bittersweet about it. people who aren't going to be here tomorrow for my party (!!!) are finding me today and giving me hugs and stuff, and that is making me so sad!

and i'm actually starting to feel some doubt about starting school again, and a teeny tiny part of me wants to just go off and get an engineering job (since i do have a ChE degree and i wear my "order of the engineer" ring religiously) somewhere and go on with my life, but yet, i guess doctoring is my "calling" at the moment, so i need to just stick with it for now. i know it's normal to have doubts and fears sometimes, and i guess i'm just worried that i'll just repeat the horrors of last year. then again, i know exactly what i'm getting myself into this go around, i have amazing M2 friends that will help me out, and a better all around attitude. i've got my schedule pretty much lined out:
  • get to school around 7:30-8:00 and go to class or the library to commence studying. and since this year i'm going to get on the note service, i can afford to not go to certain classes where my time would be wasted and go straight to the library. i can catch up on the class lecture later on my own time.
  • i will only go to classes that contribute to me learning, and not go to classes where it is too confusing for me. that's an hour i could have learned something else.
  • take a break for lunch.
  • study in the afternoon, or labs, whatever it is.
  • take a long break for exercise, running errands, cooking dinner.
  • in the evening, pre-read for the next day and lightly review what i learned earlier in the day. i suppose that some study group stuff could be done in the evening, but since i go to bed around 10:00-10:30 that could be a problem.
  • on the weekend i will need to review what happened that week.
and see, i definitely did NOT do that last year. i let the stress and my contempt of school get to me, so that as soon as i could get away from school i would. then i would end up trying to cram everything a few days before each test block, and that would be horrible. i would understand what things were and how they worked (so engineering), but all the minute details that they want you to know for the tests, well, since i crammed, they didn't stick, so i wouldn't do well. i would stress myself out because i wouldn't pace my studying like i should have. and i have definitely learned from that.

i will be more tolerant of people, but at the same time, i won't force myself to hang out with people or try to impress people. i actually did that last year...the whole "let me hang out with you because i want to have a group and be kind of popular" or something, instead of doing my own thing which i normally do. and then when that didn't work out, i became more and more antisocial. that is not what i want myself to be, and at the same time i am so thankful that i had friends outside of school, and also that i have a great boyfriend who helped me out by making me happy or cooking me dinner, haha, and going with me to study in weird places so i wouldn't be lonely or anything. but this year i have more friends, especially Sunny, who has really been there for me and will continue to be there (or i'll have to do something mean!!!) and we'll cheer each other on because that's what friends do.

gah, this post has really turned kinda sappy and emotional, but it feels good to get stuff out of my mind. i'm afraid of disappointing people if i don't go through with school this go around, but at the same time, i'm ok. worst case scenario, i'm a chemical engineer, and i really enjoyed my time studying and learning engineering. it really wouldn't hurt my feelings to wash my hands of all of this, pick up and go somewhere else, but i have this opportunity now, i'm still young, and i have to try. so there you have it. my long introspective post on the eve of my blog birthday. stunning.

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